like a person

Felt like a Gilmore girls character. a crisp autumn evening, got my tan beanie, a light brown corduroy jacket with a fleece interior, a boba latte. Walking outdoors. Just casually telling strangers directions and not a second of worry about how awkward I sounded, so effortless. Just casual interaction. I actually provided something helpful to these people. I’m an actual person to them just like they are to me. A woman needed help finding a place to study, so I helped her. It wasn’t too big of a hassle, not really. I did what I could and I ended up being a helpful guy. And I wasn’t just a freak or something to her idk I was just. Human. A helpful stranger. I wasn't given that same strange look that people have given me my entire life. Day after day I’m astounded by the feeling of what it’s like to actually be a person, to feel like one.

What it all was before? All that shit? Was never really living.

Then again, aside from feeling alien, I didn’t really know what it felt like to feel truly and genuinely alive. In a sustainable way, anyways. I was so used to that isolated feeling where I am behind a glass pane with no access to other people, that I didn’t even register how much I was missing this key facet. I mean, I always knew that I felt separate from every other person ever. I could not even conceptualize what feeling like a human- feeling like im on somewhat even ground with my peers- was like. I don't think I ever thought it was possible to reach to this point where I feel this way. It was my normal for so fucking long, like literally that's all I even remember feeling in my relation to the society that surrounded me. Even as a kid, even when I was less jaded, I just knew I was separate. I can’t believe that people just go their entire lives having felt this way...that's actually wild and makes this whole 'having self worth' thing a lot more of a doable feat. Being a brown autistic/adhd kid growing up with society viewing me as a "girl" is...good fukin lord, man. The world truly and genuinely does so much that makes you feel like you're not even a person. Not even a person. And it's not like it's just one person's fault in particular. Not really. It's a collective effort, even if some folks never intended to contribute to that. The ones who intended on it were cruel beyond belief, and the one's that didn't just never knew how to treat me like one of them. And so I was patronized to. Only talked to in a serious tone. Like a charity case. Man, I really *did* feel like a charity case to so many people. I was talked to like I was a lost puppy. Not someone actually worth befriending. And sure, the friends I DID have didn't see me that way. Though, most of 'em were shit. Hard to cherish those connections anymore. So even though I had friends i valued at the time, now it all just doesn't matter to me anymore. And I was a worser version of myself around 'em anyways, I just didn't realize it at the time since it was a less-filtered version of myself I liked better than who I was at home.

Anyways.

I think music has helped so much. Both when I felt alien and now when I feel human. Music is actually the huge facilitator to how I started gradually feeling more human. I think once I started feeling like I had a semblance of direction, like I was finally working towards something that meant something real to me, things started looking up. Taking classes I felt passionate about, being around other creatives (both of the musical variety and writing variety), things started feeling real. And I'm finally starting to do things that younger me has been dreaming of for ages. Performing. Writing a book. Writing lyrics. Picking up guitar. Studying music. Had to slew through so much absolutely abysmal shit to get to this point, but ayy. Thaz life (coulda gone without the psychosis tho, but whatever. im more interesting now).

Point is...You fuhkin did it, Mirz. And you got a long way to go, you've got a hell of a lot to learn. After all, you're very new to this whole humaning thing. And some of the harder things haven't changed, and some of them are newer issues. You're still very severely mentally ill, and got a loootttaa unhealthy modes of thinking to work on. Trauma responses. Same shit, different forms, different era.

Anywayzzz i am letting my reflective flowery nature get in the way of being productive yet again, so i'll end it here 4 now. i should post here more often. im gonna upload some of my written poetry n' shit. smell ya later